A funny way to get out of this mess would be to turn off the engine, and call a tow truck. Now if you contact a tow truck, he can rip your vehicle off the curb destroying even more of the precious Jaguar. At least then you will have a crowd and can be publicly dunced as you watch your precious gem get torn apart. Only due to complete neglect for direction and trajectory could an abomination like this occur. How can you not see that huge gulch off to the right? Wake up!
If not a tow truck, maybe a fork lift? Or better yet a car jack, some cement blocks, and a steel ramp you could effectively lift the vehicle up, place a ramp on the jack and cement block bridging to the level of the rear tires and remove the vehicle from the obstacle with out further damage. Most the time when stuff like this occurs, the most amount of damage happens during the removal process. We don't know how it got out, but I'm sure it wasn't pretty. My regrets for your loss Jaguar guy, maybe next time you can pay more attention to where you are driving. At least it was just a curb and not a pedestrian!
Video content: Jaguar XK8 wrecked in parking lot
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